Just had to add this.
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
I have received your permission slip featuring
what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.
Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box
as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from
having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty
percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may
have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.
As I trust my offspring's ability to separate
fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination
process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the
term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Permission Slip
Hello David
The tick in the box already was a mistake I
noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating
anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to
be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to
think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled
afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.
I was actually in a Bible based play once and
played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved
offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus
then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho'
and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey
with diarrhoea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of
Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around
the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised
for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives
of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only
saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.
Also, your inference that I am without
religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your
god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud
god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Hello David
While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out
on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if
you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box
that says I do not give my child permission to attend.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
I understand the importance the resurrection
story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been
killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the
cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption
would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend
Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the
next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch
in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a
good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.
Someone probably should have asked "So
the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I
realise Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the
equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone
please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and
only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and
is the son of God."
If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of
an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation.
Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets.
God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two
thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't
tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto."
Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed
during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets
his head chopped off?
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of
the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly
not taught by parents nowadays.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
You raise a valid point and I appreciate you
pointing out my failings as a parent. Practising a system of ethics based on
the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to
practising a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.
Many years ago, I lived next door to a
Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a
fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window
on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr
Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well
making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his
living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms
while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.
Your job would be made much easier if, after
making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens
dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that
it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in
Jesus they would have to sit through it again.
When I was at school, we were forced to attend
a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretence of free chips,
we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine
featuring some kind of colourful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the
air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the
hippie wearing the colourful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his
head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged
children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of
screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play
they had ever seen.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Hello David
I don't see what any of that has to do with
this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and
spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an
old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
Dear Darryl,
I agree completely that balance is an
important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will
also be organising a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion
year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following
the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and
eventually life?
Perhaps your church youth group could put
together an interpretive dance routine representing the behaviour of Saturn's
moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back
together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister
moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational
field, companion planets, the variability’s of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighbouring
galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in
this.
Also, while I understand that the play is to
be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present
medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding
that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian
Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in
your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails.
If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the
permission slip.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject
I will pray for you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: No Subject
Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one.
With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject
I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Word of God
DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY
LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm
To: GOD Cc: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Word of God
I'm serious.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Word of God
OK.